Please welcome special guest Chris Unity Bowness￼. Chris is a relationships and sex mentor and runs the Consenting Adults Magazine. Today Chris is chatting about using erotic fiction as a starting point for couples spicing up their bedroom dialogue. So grab yourself a tipple, put your feet up and soak in his thoughts on Aural Sex, take it away Chris...
Balls, pussy, cock, tits, fuck, these are usually the first things we think of when it comes to suggestions of talking dirty. Often it's the words and language we get hung up on and the surrounding connotations rather the seduction and the content as a whole. It's situations like this can start off as small niggles we avoid in our relationships but often the cycle reinforces itself and can start to affect other areas, with our partners, this can lead us to begin feeling stuck in a cycle; feeling hopeless to ever becoming unstuck. Acknowledging these situations before they set in or having the ability to unravel them once they have by embracing the situation is something that would help in many relationship situations.
Talking dirty in our sex play is just one of those situations, something that on the surface seems simple but underneath it there is layers of connotations of not only the individual words but the hangups that ours and our partners roles in life mean we shouldn't be saying such words. Words usually only said out loud when stubbing our toes or dropping a glass of red wine on the carpet. All this when added together can see us shying away from embracing communication during sex all together and eventually sometimes sex itself.
If you relate to this issue then you are not alone! However, the key to opening up filthy communication is context and by context I don't just mean the words themselves but the situation they are used in. There are some great sexy ways and techniques you can do to help you; if it's something you're dreading coming up or is something that has already arisen then there is something for all.
It is important to remember that we live in a digitalised world often communicating via texts, computers and social media often typing more words in a day than we actually speak. The rise of sex texts shows that flirting and communicating our fantasies via the written word is almost second nature often adding to the confusion as to why we struggle to make the leap to communicating them out loud. The leap from written to oral may only seem a small step in itself but mentally it's giant leap. This is even more so when emotions become involved take the mulling over a situation in your life to the point of anxiety only to have that complete moment of clarity the minute you speak aloud to someone else about the issue. Talking taps into a whole deeper Psyche, it connects with the body and emotions bringing a whole new level of vulnerability with another person or persons into the equation.
When bringing naughty words into context in real life it is important to have some foundation stones going forward as to what and why. One of the most important things to remember is that positive yes consent is sexy. Wholeheartedly accepting someone's request of you when you say yes but also the empowerment that offering your consent to someone or a sexual situation asking for it to be done can not only enhance sex lives but also impact relationships throughout. We all have a deep desire and longing for that day our lover came home, unexpectedly and described exactly what they were going to do with you and you willingly accepted. However, turn it around, you put yourself in the role asking to be seduced and taken in the way you would like to be and having that proffer accepted no reservations or guilt.
￼This also leads to vulnerability shared moments of trust, confidingness; that stepping into the unknown with a glint of fallibility on show, between you and someone else shared vulnerability is the biggest builder of intimacy in a relationship...yes even above sex.
Penetrate with words.
Without a shadow of a doubt the best tool to help you not only put situations into context but also the words; full of love, sex, intimacy, desire, passion, love, lust and down right dirty fucking is Erotica. Using Erotica can unlock the leap from thought to the audible, not only hearing yourself but also unlocking the imagination of what you would like done, can help you gain a whole new skill in your sex lives. Furthermore, Erotica gives us a wonderful safe environment whereby those words; no matter how suggestive; rude or explicit they are; or even the characters saying those things, are not us and we can trick ourselves into saying them because essentially we can blame it on someone else. They give us a great playground to try out and experiment with the words and phrases of someone else, teasing ourselves and our lovers fantasies with someone else's imagination and in time making those words become our own. This is why role play is one of the biggest areas of fantasy and sex play allowing us to throw off our daily shackles and take on characters in situations we'd never get ourselves into and allowing us to say and do things we never could as ourselves. Using Erotica to unlock our filthy minds is just the same thing.
In recent times Erotica has become synonymous with E.L. James and the 50 Shades Trilogy and we can be grateful that she has brought it into the mainstream. However, for me, it does not lend itself well to unlocking the mysteries of filthy words and in the past I have always recommended Xcite books which contain of whole plethora of sub genres, themes, styles, fetishes and fantasies of erotica using every word, description and contextual situation you could imagine and quite probably some you haven't even thought of. However, as a start I suggest heading over to Brit Babes where you can find a whole range of the very best of British Erotic authors and their stories covering a whole host of themes. Read as much as you want, or can! Get used to the authors; their styles; themes and don't feel ashamed to make Erotica your choice or genre, I don't!
Let's get down to business.
You may already have your own stash of smut somewhere in the house, you may even have your own bookmarks of go to scenes; flickable to just when you need them most, if you have, well done you have made a good start. If not there is no need to worry as I have included some well chosen excerpts kindly donated from members of the Brit Babes and I have also included the book it's from and a link to find out more behind the saucy snippet.
The best way to start getting familiar with the words and the context they can be put in is by practicing alone. I mean if it wasn’t for practicing alone where would our sex lives be?... Our own solo play is the perfect place to start gaining confidence with sexy words and context. Next time you are in the mood for a bit of self seduction seek out one of those go to scenes is a good first step something you're comfortable and may even know inside out. Choose a safe nurturing, ￼comfortable place you can relax glass of wine and find a section, passage even a sentence in which describes something you've always fantasised about indulging in. You can even bring it down safer at first to something not so explicit first until you get used to hearing yourself.
You may feel tentative at first which is only natural I mean this is probably the first time you've heard yourself say these phrases or words in a sexual context. Take your time to get comfy with yourself, hear and feel the words but don't force them and if you feel yourself starting to get frustrated take a break. Here is a great sample from Victoria Blisse's Naughty Rendezvous to get you started and once you're comfortable ramp it up a little. I have included more explicit passages below if you're feeling adventurous.
"I...I.. want you ... inside me. I want you to touch me, to kiss me, to ravish me. I want you, Joe, I desire you, I need you, Joe. I need you to fuck me." - Victoria Blisse Naughty Rendezvous
Once you feel comfortable hearing yourself reading out loud and this may take hours, weeks or even months take your time but once you feel comfortable try something more explicit and direct. Let yourself connect with the words and let them seduce you, explore your body as you hear yourself read. Adding this tactile approach to the task in hand will let your mind and body react to the words and phrases you like most, think about which words you like to hear in relation to your body parts. Overtime as you gain more confidence and attach sex and sensuality to these words you may find words you once scorned at taking on a whole new meaning. What phrases do you like hearing? Which turn you on?
In time your confidence will grow and you can start to use your new found words as your own foreplay. Allow your commentary to follow the action taking place and take things by pushing yourself a little further by going off guide mixing up the words and context you're reading. Eventually allowing yourself to say out loud would you want to do to yourself using your new found confidence, words and vocabulary. Testing out words and your deep desires and your response to them will in time help you gain more confidence when you bring a partner into the equation.
"Tie me up and fuck me," she said quickly before she could stop herself.
He looked surprised. No, shocked. She'd shocked him. He was a gentle person. She felt awful. Bowing her head, she wished she could take the words back. He was silent for what seemed like an eternity, and Lena forced herself to look slowly up. He had taken off his robe. As her gaze reached his midsection, she took in the most magnificent erection. She started trembling anew, and relief flooded her senses as she saw him smiling lasciviously at her.
Tabitha Rayne A Clockwork Butterfly
Ultimately the aim is to have your words lead your solo pleasures guiding you towards orgasm. Once your pleasures have peaked try leading the action telling yourself how you are going to finish yourself off and talk yourself to climax.
It's good to talk...dirty.
What is great about the Erotic genre is that it's all inclusive of all relationship styles from straight monogamous couples; gay and lesbian; relationships; transgender; swingers; triads; polyamorous and everything in between. So whatever relationship you are in there is something to guide and aide you in opening up smutty talk within your relationship style.
With this new found lexicon of exciting words to try out you can take them into the bedroom and start exploring and sharing these with your partner. By replicating these exercises with them not only will you discover more about the language and words that turn you on, through speaking and hearing but also find out what your partner likes.
'Just getting my vibrator,' she said. Then she laughed breathlessly. ‘No need for lube tonight, Mr. Thorne. I'm sopping.' Then she sucked in a harsh breath that ended in a whimper. When she had recovered herself she spoke in her best naughty secretary voice. ‘Now then, Mr Thorne, what's on our agenda today? What urgent business do we need to take care of?' She continued 'I don't need to turn it on, Mr Thorne. I just need to be full, and since you're not here, the vibe will have to do. Poor substitute, really. It doesn't have your girth, nor your weight, and it's cold.'
Grace Marshall Executive Decision
When you bring lovers into the world of talking filthy use your new found confidence of showing what skills you learnt and remembering if it seems a little scary that the shared vulnerability you're exhibiting will do wonders for your relationship.
Again using Erotica to break the ice not only in showing off your skills but opening up communication. Using the safe environment of Erotica to say and hear words from each other in context opens up a whole new realm of pleasure. Start by reading your lover the parts of the stories you've been learning and gaining confidence with, understanding what they have done for you and allowing them to do the same to your partner.
Crouching on the dusty floor, Jenny hastily undid her shirt buttons. ‘Which do you prefer, receiving a BJ or licking pussy?’
‘Tough choice. If I had to decide, it would be receiving a BJ, but it’s a close run thing.’ John reached for her pliant breasts, finding them easily despite the shadowy darkness. ‘Do you have a preference in that area?’
‘I also like to receive best.’ The words tumbled from Jenny in an urgent rush of pentup desire. ‘Shall we sixtynine it? Keep us both happy?’
￼Once you are both comfortable with this let your lover choose their own passage to read or even better take a paragraph at a time. Taking it in turns forces you both to say words you may never have even dreamt of, shielded away from or once thought forbidden.
What is important here is to use this to open up communication about which words you do or don't find erotic whilst remembering to not get hung up on the individual words. Exploring together why you don't like these words or the connotations can also demystify and unlock their use. This is especially true when it comes to the smutty names of body parts a cold hard 'dick' sounds hotter and more enjoyable when it's served up as "I want you to force me to my knees and make you suck my dick."
You can try swapping paragraphs or even male and female roles, assuming you are male and female, like in the following excerpt from Lily Harlem and Natalie Dae's That Filthy Book.
Did I want to do that? Be totally honest about what I'd been doing? I couldn't make up my mind, and my mouth engaged before I could stop it. "I have a butt plug in my arse."
"Fuck. Christ, Karen."
I gave a strained smile at catching him off guard. Of shaking him out of character. He hadn't expected a response like that. We hadn't had phone sex in years.
"What does it feel like? Tell me...whore." The last word was a tagon, broken in half, and came out croaky.
I could imagine him sitting on the edge of the bed, shoulders tense, fists balled as the image of me bombarded his mind. His added responsibility of staying in role, drooping his neck and causing him to gnaw on the inside of his cheek the way he did when concentrating. "It stings, but I like it."
"More. Tell me more."
"I have my fingers in my pussy, too. I'm imagining a vibrator in there and your cock in my arse. You fucking me until I scream."
There, I'd said it.
"Oh, God." His tone was throttled with lust.
"Close your eyes, Jacob. I want you to imagine it. Picture me fingerfucking my cunt and moving the butt plug in and out.
It...ah...it's fucking nice. I wish you were here. I wish you were here so badly, doing all of this to me."Lily Harlem & Natalie Dae That Filthy Book
Not only does this help you both gain confidence in words but you can have fun with choosing words and phrases for different situations and types of sex. Quite often discovering more about
￼such words can help you realise that they didn't start off with the same negative connotations they have today. Ultimately taking those words away from their old connotations and giving them new and sexy new twists and meanings, and making them you own. For example 'cunt' has an amazingly positive history to it, empowering and ultimately one of my favourites. However, it also helps you throw off the everyday shackles and gives you a whole new language and vocabulary to use between you and your lover. To add further context to not only words but also situations and throwing off everyday shackles the idea behind Lily Harlem and Natalie Dae's That Filthy Book was just that; to show that eve with jobs, marriage and kids sex can still be exciting and new.
"Fuck my cunt," he said, lowering his head so his gaze met mine again. "Fuck my cunt, that's what you used to say. Jacob, come over here and lick my wet pussy." He brushed his lips over mine. "Remember that?"
I blushed—damn it, I knew I would—and memories came flooding back. Me on the bed with my legs open wide, my clit aching, throbbing, the need for him to lick it, suck it into his mouth, so strong it took my breath away. Me bending over the bed, hands on the mattress, feet apart on the rug, begging him to fuck my cunt from behind. I'd said those words and more, my God I had, but could I say them again?
Lily Harlem & Natalie Dae That Filthy Book
Once you are both confident with each other in regards to words and phrases you can slowly introduce them into your sex play in various ways. It is down to you both to discuss what you feel comfortable with doing as a first step but also remembering that pushing yourselves out of your comfort zone a little can help build intimacy.
● Commentating on your sex play and communicating what's happening and how it is feeling can build pleasure and confidence in talking more intimately about what you like.
● In time you can use your new found confidence to help lead these moments, ask for what you want, where you want it and how. To the point where you can start sexual liaisons with phrases that instigate the situation and what you want to do with your partner.
● Using words to guide each other to orgasm is a great way to ease into things or something you'd like to aim for. Watching your lover pleasure themselves whilst you lead the action, only allowing them to do what you say. Not only does this leave their pleasure in your hands or mouth on this occasion but it also means you have to be clear and direct in your words in order to guide them to climax.
I want you to massage me roughly, all over, and force me to my knees to suck you...your cock.’ My face was hot, getting hotter with the telling. ‘I want you to grip my hair in your fist while I do it, and push in and out of my mouth telling me how you need me to suck harder. I want you to tell ￼me how it should be, where I should kneel or stand, where I should be. And I want...I want you to use your free hand to grip my chin so my head doesn’t move.’
Finally, in those moments where you wonder whether you can go through with this, the biggest things to remember is that it's not sex that builds intimacy but shared vulnerability. These exercises will put you in a position where you have to confide many things to each other thus putting yourselves into a situation of shared vulnerability and ultimately strengthening your relationship in all areas.
Thanks so much for visiting with your wise words, Chris. Readers, do check out the scoop on Consenting Adults Magazine, and subscribe to the monthly Unity Newsletter. (Newsletter Archive)